I Just Woke From A Terrible Dream.

My relationship with my mother has always been troubled. Since I was born she has given me up to random family members because I simply didn't fit into her lifestyle. She seemed to always prefer her boyfriends and drinks to taking full responsibility for me and my brothers. Since I am the oldest (and since I did not have a father who could take me away from the situation) I had it the worst. When I was 12 I had gone through every family member (only on my mom's side - I had never met my father or anyone from his family until I was 16) and ended up living with foster parents. I ended up being a pretty wicked teenager. I was constantly in and out of Juvie and group homes...I was violent, was promiscuous at a very young age, stole cars and even an ambulance once, ran away all the time, etc. It was hard to punish someone who just didn't care and I didn't. Why would I? My own mother didn't want me and I was angry at the world for being the fucked up unjust place it is.

When I was little she would make plans to come see me and simply never show up. I can never fully express the feeling that this would give me...it would literally feel like my heart had been shattered into a million pieces. Eventually my heart was hard from scar tissue and bandages which is what contributed to my behavior later in life.  Even still I can't handle it when people run extremely late, don't show up or break plans at the last minute. It's sad because I sometimes freak out on people and they have no idea why I'm taking it so personally. Cassie and I actually had this happen over the weekend. Even though she was texting me and telling me she was running late after a while I started wigging out. When I saw her later I had to tell her why that kind of thing effects me the way it does. I just can't shake the fact that I still feel like that little girl sitting on the porch looking into every car that passed by in hopes that it would be my mom. I'm still so desperate for her to love me and be my mommy....

These days my mother and I are doing a little better. She's still not reliable, but we have hashed some things out and I do know that she loves me, she is just unavailable because she still needs to get her shit together. A few years back after being ditched or something again I felt it was the last straw and I went to her house to see her with a letter and pictures of the kids. I told her to enjoy those pictures because that was all she would have because I didn't want anything to do with her anymore. She started arguing with me and started yelling to me all of the things I had come to say to her and I lost my mind. All I remember is thinking "I know why I've seen men beat your ass now - you've got a mouth that just doesn't stop". It's like she doesn't hear a word that's coming out of your mouth...she just gets defensive and I was completely desperate for her to hear my plea. When she didn't and started screaming at me I freaked out and started choking her. I remember telling her she was going to die that night. I'm not proud of it, but, I still understand where it came from within me and I was just that desperate for her to understand how much her actions effected me.

This dream I just woke from was a lot like that last episode. I saw her and asked if she was coming for Thanksgiving (or Black Thursday as we like to call it. Stay tuned - you'll find out why in an upcoming blog post.) because I have been trying to get a hold of her and verify that she was indeed coming (because she said she would) and I haven't been able to reach her. After leaving multiple messages and texts, I knew I was being avoided. In my dream I asked and she said "No." without hesitation. I started to try and explain to her that I couldn't believe that she didn't care enough to come. It was the same feeling I felt the night I choked her. I started chasing her around trying to shake her and make her understand that I was hurt and why. Her boyfriend, Joe, who has been a big part of keeping her down and in the same lifestyle that has destroyed our chance for a relationship was there and I kept going off on him too. I remember saying "You choose him over being with the family and claim to hate him and be trying to leave? What the fuck is your problem?!?" I tried to lock him out of the house but he kept finding his way back in. In the end, Shawn, my husband was telling me to just let her go - that it wasn't worth it. This is always his position. He HATES to see how much she can hurt me. I'm a very strong woman but she can turn me into a little girl in record time - which insights anger within me. Luckily Shawn woke me up with the Z man because he was hungry. If there's anything that I can wake up to to remind me of the blessings I DO have, it's Zander.

I have a beautiful family. I've been with Shawn for 11 years this December and we have three beautiful and smart children. Though, I wish that it could be enough to make me forget about my need for love from my mother. It should be, right? I do know she loves me in her own way - and I believe in accepting people as they are. Faults and all....but it doesn't stop the desire and the let down.

Anyways, I texted her this morning and she said that she is having car trouble (this is almost ALWAYS the case) but said that she's working on it and wants to be there....she told me to keep the faith - but when it comes to her showing up anywhere I don't have much. I still have hopes that she will make it - I offered to pick her up and everything, but I know I need to let it be. Hope for the best - prepare for the worst....

This is all I want this holiday season.


Anonymous said...

THAT IS hard to shake (omg thats what she said) i can feel the anxiety therw the page and its resinating within me. Dont worrie, dont start stressing yet. we have alot to do to get ready for black thursday , and i will be so pissed if this one lady puts a bad vibe out on the day we all gather to enjoy eachother. We have people comming from out of town, and the best people around to join us on thursday, we are soo blessed. if there was angles, we are the lucky ones to be sneezed on by one of them...thats how you become blessed right?

Anonymous said...