Shedding My Skin and Transforming Before Your Eyes...

I have been working so hard ever since I returned from Florida. I recently met with someone who I had met with right before I left and shared my goal to open the community center. She reminded me that I had told her that when I got back from Florida I planned on hitting the ground running with this project - and it's really nice to look back and realize that I have done exactly that. I've come so far in the past 4 months, and now I'm even on the verge of finalizing my birth doula certification through DONA. Last night I completed the last requirement which was a breastfeeding class at the place I used to work at. Not only was it nice to complete this, it was also nice to see Kelly - my old boss. 

I regret that I allowed myself to wear my heartbreak on my sleeve when she gave the lactation cookie idea to another company when I was working on it myself. I know that she was just thinking about her business. I see now that it wasn't something she did to purposely hurt me, that just happened to be the outcome. On my part in this, I felt victimized and therefore acted like a victim. Regardless of how valid I felt, I have learned a lot from that experience, especially since out of it I feel I lost the connection I once had with Kelly. Though I was hurting, I should have remained professional and not allowed myself to speak out publicly about how I saw it. I need to let these kinds of things be water under the bridge. I don't feel like things are the same between Kelly and I, but I am glad that I reached out and apologized for my part in it. I value her, and I always looked up to her as more than my boss...I think that is why this all hurt me so much. The more I focused on the things I did value in her, the easier it was to forgive and seek a peace with it. I do feel like things are now on the right track between her and I, and I seriously hope that they continue that way. 

I haven't been writing in a while because, well, I've been sinking a bit. Well, more than a bit. Part of it has been sickness - it seems like someone in this house has been sick for the past 2 months straight. As I type this now I am still feeling the tail end of a serious sinus infection as well as a headache...but, it's better than it has been. The kids all just seem to pass it back and forth, back and forth. I'm hoping that will be over soon. I don't think it's ever been this bad in my house. I'm out of XanGo Juice for the time being, and I can surely tell. It seems that things got really bad for me a few days after I had none. I got sick and ended up backsliding into a depression again. 

There are lots of contributors, but, mostly I have felt unsupported by my husband and some of my friends. Because of this lack of support (and even downright discouragement) I have had this feeling that I might be loosing myself. I felt that maybe because these people who were supposed to love me and try to understand and support me were the ones who weren't meant that I was doing something wrong. There have been many times that I have sat in this very chair and almost convinced myself to quit what I was doing. It would be easier, that is for sure. But, I'm realizing that it might not be me that needs to change course...that maybe the people who are unsupportive of me and what I'm trying to do (and even who I'm doing it with) are what might need to change in my life. This isn't easy, and it hurts. A lot. But, I am realizing that though I am the one changing, I am changing for the better. I am not out to hurt anyone and my intentions are purely motivated by bettering not only myself, but my community. And, as someone told me last night - things can't continue to move into my life without some things going out. I have to look at this and realize that I can not be everything for everyone and that maybe these relationships have served their purpose in not only my life, but theirs as well. Maybe, just maybe, it's time to simply move on. Not that I desire too, because I don't. Mourn my losses, but stay on track. That is the plan as of this moment, anyways. Whoever is there when all this is said and done will be there for a reason - "Those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind." As badly as I may desire to hold onto everyone tightly, I simply can not. 

Having a house of three children that I am raising practically by myself hasn't been the easiest part of this journey, either. We're lucky if we see Shawn 3 hours in a day....and that's every day - 7 days a week - every week. My kids are all in different stages in life, so there are all kind of different demands placed on me. I am considering weaning Z because he is now 19 months and becoming very demanding about the boob. I feel as though I am not much more to him than just that. Calvin and Kiyra fight ALL. THE. TIME. They "hate" each other and "can't live with" each other. I know this is normal...but...it doesn't make it any less exhausting. Trying to balance home and work has been the number one biggest road block for me thus far. There are times when I am out and taking care of my business or doing something motivating where I feel pure inspiration and motivation to work and grow, then when I get home and walk through the door it seems as though there is nothing but guilt placed on me for being gone AT ALL and/or demands from every direction. This easily overwhelms me and instantly knocks me down from my previous feeling of high inspiration and belief in myself and what I'm trying to do. I think that I react with anger to this sudden exchange of emotional state because they are SO contrasting. 

I tend to dread going home, dreading the "mom" role. It's so completely demanding of my entire being that I have a very difficult time allowing myself to do it. I fight it...but, I'm realizing that by choosing to fight it I am only making things harder on myself and my family. I haven't yet found a way to not feel trapped by my role as a mother, maybe because I have been one since I was 16, but - I am starting to see that I have to continue with my quest to find balance. Maybe sitting out in the driveway for a minute before going into the house to prepare myself for the role switch. If I sit there and visualize how I would like things to go when I walk through the door maybe I will better be able to emotionally prepare myself for a better reaction. I can not expect the kids not to be kids...and I know this is difficult for me because I was forced to grow up at such a young age, so, I don't really understand kids. But, I'm trying. I'm always trying....and that in itself can sometimes be exhausting. 

One thing I've learned is to forgive myself. Although I have felt as though I have been backsliding over the past couple of weeks, I forgive myself. I realize that when obtaining massive amounts of information, putting just about all of my energy into growth and prosperity there has to be some down time to process this information and recharge my batteries. My only regret in this little low I've been in is that I haven't spent that time purposefully relaxing and processing. Instead I allowed my feelings and fears of loosing those around me to take me over. Almost loosing the information and progress I have obtained in the meantime. But, today, after facing these feelings and some of the relationships that I am in, I feel more on track. It's as if a weight has been lifted from me and now I can see the issues more clearly. I think I was just afraid I wasn't going to WANT to see what was there, I felt that if I didn't face it it would just work itself out - but energy is funny like that. It still remains and still effects us whether we want it to or not. By facing it at least now I can see the issues more clearly and things can be out in the open either to be addresses or worked out, or not. Either way, I know who I am again. I am again seeing the progress I have made and the things I am doing as right and positive. Because it coincided with my final course for finishing my certification, it was a conformation that I just have to keep on moving forward. I can't be everything for everyone, especially when those expectations of me are not made clear. It isn't my job to decipher peoples feelings or expectations of me - and that's OK, too. I have to just have faith that things will be OK and hold onto my love for the people who have been and are close to me. I choose to take the good things along with me and leave behind the negative. Learn from it, but forgive myself and others and leave it behind. 

I always seem to obtain information or advice (or even horoscopes) that completely coincide with what I am currently going through. Yesterday I received an e mail from Jennifer Lee which had a lot to do with resting and recuperating. She had some great suggestions that I would like to share with you here because we all need to allow ourselves to have some down time. It's all part of the process of growth. As she put it - rest, recuperate and repeat. 

• "Block off time on your calendar. I worked with one of my clients to commit to blocking off time after returning from a business trip or running a program. That helped to create some recovery and re-entry time following an intense period of work. I do the same thing and keep my days meeting free if I've just come back from a trip or completed a big project.
• Give yourself permission to take it easy. This can be super difficult for type A personalities. Yet, when you dial down your over-achiever personality, you can actually give yourself some space to just be and that's key to recharging.
• Embrace your inner Eeyore. I know you probably don't want to be a perpetual Debbie Downer or the dark-cloud-over-your-head Eeyore in the Winnie-the-Pooh stories, but sometimes, it's important to let yourself just be with the blues so you can move through it. In her new book Glad No Matter What SARK talks about turning toward your feelings so that you can navigate them more quickly.
• Pay attention to your body. What signals is your body sending you? Are you tired? Are you getting sick? Those can be clues to simply slow down.
• Book a vacation. Sometimes after completing a big project, you just need some time away. My hubby, our dog Emmett, and I took a short weekend trip up to Napa not that long ago. It was a great way to make sure we relaxed and had time together. You don't have to do anything extravagant. Even just a day trip to somewhere beautiful and inspiring can reinvigorate you."

"I am likely to miss the main event if I stop to cry and complain again. So I will keep a deliberate pace. Let the damn breeze dry my face. Oh, mister wait until you see what I'm gonna be. Here it comes, a better version of me."

Here's to TODAY.

Fun And Easy Chalkboard

I have been thinking about a way to keep track of things and the idea of a chalkboard painted on the wall seemed like a great thing to try out. So, I bought the spray paint and waited for my husband to apply it to the wall. I waited 2 weeks. Then the wire basket that holds all of my fruits and veggies fell down one morning and I decided that I was just going to go ahead and do it.

I didn't really know what I was doing, but I'm a "wing it" kind of girl. So, I cut up a few cereal boxes and used silly putty to put them against the wall. When I ran out of that I used tissue paper for the rest. This certainly wasn't an exact science, but, I knew I was going to be painting a fat border around it so I wasn't super concerned. I did do a test coat on a pizza box just to get a feel of how it was going to spray, then I just went for it. Sweeping back and forth as evenly as I could. I knew that if I messed this up it was just going to be ammunition for Shawn later to complain that I should have waited (for who knows HOW long), so I was very careful to watch for drips.

After all of the coats were on and I was satisfied with the way it looked, I took down the paper.
THIS was the fun part I had been waiting for. I love being creative, so painting a fun border around this was something that I was really looking forward to. I began with my purple paint to make sure that the chalkboard part was even, so I enclosed the whole thing with a border of purple, but it was all freehand from there. When that was finished I topped it all off with folky dots all around the inside of the border and around the inside of the frame.

 I used a Q-Tip with the cotton pulled off one end and then simply dipped it into the paint to make the dots. They weren't all uniform, but that's how I like it.

The chalkboard had to sit for 24 hours before being able to write on it, which was hard - but not as hard as it was to find chalk! I ended up waiting almost 48 hours because every store I went to didn't have any. I finally found some at Hobby Lobby. Apparently, before you use it you are supposed to cover the entire surface with chalk and then erase it....well, I used kind of a damp rag (I didn't know) and it made the board a lot more cloudy that I would have liked it. BUT, I did a little research and learned that I could put a few drops of lemon oil on a rag and seal it in a plastic bag overnight. This should replenish the board. If worse comes to worse I will have to throw on another layer of chalkboard paint which would be inexpensive and fairly easy to do. But, for now, the board certainly does serve it's purpose so we'll just ride it out and see if the oil works.

I'm really happy with it!

Taking It All In

It seems like every up has a down, and lately I've been in the down. I'm not thinking of this as a bad thing, though, instead I am using to my advantage as a time to truly sit back and reflect on my life and where I am going. The next move to make is always an important one, so it's important to be able to see the path clearly.

I've spoken of my recent journey of self discovery and how it has been taking me in unexpected and intriguing areas of my life. For the first time I feel clear and primed to move forward with everything that I have learned over the past 30 years and truly share my talents with the world.

I have had to question myself - am I an artist who is also a doula, or am I a doula who is also an artist?

The difference to me is clear. The one in front is the one that my focus is on, and I have determined that I am definitely a doula who is also an artist. I have spent a lot of my time trying to work with the art and try to make it the vehicle, but, my passion - what really makes my heart go pitter patter is working as a birth doula. I love the idea of giving these women something that will contribute to not only their well being, but also facilitates the most important relationship in the world....that of a mother and her child.

If you've been following this blog long enough, you may know I have some mother abandonment issues. Perhaps this is my way of making up for what I feel I lost with my mother. I do strongly believe that behind most destructive, negative people there is a major dysfunction at home. So, if we could help these mothers build stronger connections to their instincts and then to their babies, maybe, just maybe these babies will be less prone to this kind of difficulty in life....and maybe that will lead to more peace and love. And, ultimately THAT is what I'm really all about. If you teach a mother to believe in herself and facilitate bonding with her child, she will better be equipped to pass those same qualities down to that child. She will also be less prone to experiencing bouts of Postpartum Depression. I'm really honored to be a part of this picture.

I feel SO good about the direction that I see myself going in. I see the value in myself and in what I do, and for the first time I am understanding value and what it means in my life. The whole family has been sick, but I'm finding joy in sitting back and taking all of this in. There is limitless potential within me and I know that I have only scraped the surface here. Even though I have been sick and have been taking care of my children who have also been sick, I have never felt more alive than I do right now.

A New Wardrobe Without Spending A Dime!

Have you ever had a bunch of clothes that you knew you were never going to wear, but you still didn't want to get rid of them to Goodwill?  Have you wanted to get rid of those clothes and buy a whole bunch of better clothes that you will actually wear but you're just too broke to be able to afford it? Yea - US TOO. Here's our creative solution!

We got the girls together last weekend for a Dud Swap & Wrap Party!! It was a smashing success! We all brought the clothes that we were sick of wearing and they added up REALLY quickly. 

 We stacked and sorted in categories - jeans, short sleeve, long sleeve, etc. It was fun even picking through the piles and getting a sneak peek at all of the goods!

We  then gathered in the living room and I presented each article of clothing. We had never done this before, so we decided that  if there was two people who  wanted something, those two would Rock, Paper, Scissors battle it out (although we did consider all out wresting for it) and if more than two people wanted it we would pick a number 1-10 and someone who wasn't  interested in the item would draw a number from a bowl. A couple of times we even had a fash-off. Each interested person would each try on the article and the group would choose who should have it based on who it looked best on. I thought that was fun - but it was time consuming, so the number thing ended up being our best option  (especially since we had a lot of clothes to go through). The clothes that no one wanted was put into a basket to bring the the local Women's Shelter - which made us all feel good.    

SCORE! Banana Republic Jeans for ME!

 Miss Kaitlyn and Miss Sarah Smile. Kaitlyn is the VBF that graciously hosted this party. <3

SCORE! Even Aurora got herself a fancy new purse AND a Tweety Hoodie, Kasandra (her lovely mama) scored the boots and the awesome green sweater (and a WHOLE bag of stuff behind her you can't see).

Overall we ALL got hooked up. We thought that there would be more to donate than just one basket of clothes, but us bitches are just so stylin' there was something for everyone. We all left with just about as much as we came with - but it was all new to us - and we WANTED to wear it all. And no one spent a dime!

We're DEFINITELY going to be doing this again. I think we all settled on twice a year (seasonal) to keep our wardrobes fresh without spending an arm and a leg.

What Turns Me On Lately...

There have been a lot of outlets for my journey lately. I'm starting to understand what this "Paradigm Shift" is and what my part is in it. It's very exciting to feel like you are a part of something that is so much bigger than you, yet so much a PART of you as well. Ever since I consciously set out on this journey of dreaming and self discovery it seems as if there has been a path opening up to me - and I have been paying attention.

I think it REALLY began when I decided to listen to my actual dreams and reconnect with Cassie. Before I left for Florida I had such a strong dream (and it was not the first) that our paths had crossed and she walked straight up to me and gave me a hug. Everything, every reason that we weren't talking to each other or had had a falling out in the first place simply didn't matter anymore. We were naturally above that. This is pretty much also how it happened in real life. I wrote her a message on Facebook and simply told her about the dream. She responded quickly letting me know that she too had dreams of me frequently. We took it slow and didn't see each other until after I got back from Florida, but just as when we had first met, we were magnets. A constant stream of complimentary energy. I am SO glad to have her in my life again as I feel like we are connected on a spiritual level as sisters. I truly believe that reaching out to her was the first step I made towards fully trusting the universe and following my initial instinct, and then being rewarded for it. It has been SO easy ever since and she has joined me in the journey whole heartedly.

Cheers to replacing negative energy with extreme positive energy! 

Along the way, there have been many things - breadcrumbs, so to speak, that have helped keep me inspired, focused and CLEAR on what I truly want and how I'm going to make it happen. I wanted to share them all with you, so be sure to check out the many links I have provided. I hope that something strikes a chord with you and helps you along in your journey!

A while back I wrote about "The Right Brained Business Plan" (so much easier to type than say quickly). That seemed to be a wonderful breadcrumb in this journey forward. From her site I found The Goddess Workbook/Planner. I bought the PDF and a friend and I made copies and distributed them to the women of our circle to help empower them as well. These workbooks have been a powerful and fun tool to get us thinking about our goals for the year and how we can make it the best, and most productive goddess year ever! It's really been wonderful.

Jen, from the Right Brained Business Plan, sent out a message about a new network called "The Creative Spiritual Revolution" by Laura Hollick. This seemed to start RIGHT when I needed it to, and I'm so happy to feel like a part of it. Laura interviews successful people who also seem to be tapped into this new "Paradigm Shift" and who have lot's of spiritual and creative insight to inspire and educate people like me who are ready to soak up the information. I have a special folder called "Inspiration" where I put all my E mails that I get from this and the rest of these wonderful people I am talking about here. Whenever I'm "ready" for it, I go there and choose one to watch or read. This has also proven to be an amazing tool along in the journey.

On top of this, and more on a local/personal level, my partner in my Breast Milk Donation volunteer work, Laura Dillivan, informed me about a local meeting at the Evolve Center For Success for "Unstoppable Women"  to network and build their businesses and support each other along the way. I went to last months meeting and had a wonderful time. Plus I really feel like the connections I made there have been amazing. Through that meeting I not only met a potential doula client, I also met Michelle Simons, A Certified Passions Test Facilitator. She had an upcoming workshop that was geared towards really connecting with our true passions and finding solutions to get out of our own way and achieve it. This really appealed to me, so I went and again had a wonderful experience. I also wrote about this recently as it was right in between my two EnergyTouch sessions, so the timing was perfect and I was open and ready to receive information.

Another big part of this picture has been mediation. I have always had a really difficult time meditating, but have found Podcast Guided Meditations. In particular the Deepak Chopra Center podcasts and a "Chakra Healing" meditation. These have been seriously amazing tools, and I'm also embarking on a journey towards yoga and connecting the body to the mind. I'm in rough shape, but I'll get there.

All of this has been such a positive impact on my life - and I am so looking forward to the future because I know that this is only the beginning. Instead of crowding my schedule last week I decided to lay low and just absorb everything that I had just experienced. To allow the transformation I have been making to take effect. Without effort, I have been FAR more productive. I didn't do anything last week unless I felt compelled and inspired to...and in that week I finally created labels for my cookies, created a business card that I feel is the very best representation of me and what I am doing than any other I have EVER had and while driving down the road to buy myself some supplements to help me stay in balance, the name for my BIG dream came to me....and I'm actually ready to share.

The big dream is to create a Community Center for Mothers - A "Mother Revolution". I knew this was not a name for an actual place, more a name for a movement of sorts. When creating the business card putting an actual name on it suddenly seemed like the logical next step, but I did not want to force it. Instead, I sat back and waited for it to come to me...then suddenly while driving down the road it pops into my head. "The MomUnity Center". YES. That is exactly what this is! I am in LOVE with the fact that it now has a name because I feel like these details are the next step towards making this that much more real. Towards opening the doors to not only a building, but a social revolution. THIS is my dream...my legacy...and I'm going for it.

Next step? Tonight is the next "Unstoppable Women's" meeting, then all next week and the week after there are some REALLY amazing and FREE teleconferences that I am hoping to tap into. All are geared towards helping spiritual, creative people reach their fullest potential. One is called the Soul Journeys Spiritual Leadership and Legacy Telesummit and the other is called the Belief Relief Intensive. I have signed up to check out both and have looked into what each conference will be about. My calendar is filled up with a variety of them that I do not want to miss. So, we'll see where these things take me, but I'm sure it's somewhere good. Good intention is everything when you're communicating with the universe. You really can't go wrong.

Share your thoughts!

What has inspired you lately?

What are you daring to dream about?

How are you going to make this your best Goddess Year ever?

Finding Peace Through Shortcuts And Organization

This journey of  mine has been quite intense. After breaking down and asking a friend of mine who works with energy touch therapy to help me and the incredible experience I had with her as well as a productive workshop which helped me to realize my own passions and potential, then followed by ANOTHER healing session (all of this within a one week period) I have decided to take this week to sit back and "take it all in". To allow the things that I have experienced, the healing I have done, to take it's full effect. I'm finding that I am far more productive even when I'm purposely laying low. I'm not "stopping" myself from doing things, just only doing them if I feel inspired to. And, I've been pretty inspired - but not overwhelmed, which was often the feeling I was left with at the end of the day when I felt like the balance between what I WANTED to do and what I HAD to do was way out of whack. Now, that is taking a back seat and I am learning how to balance myself and do what I CAN do and absolve myself from any further expectation - and COMPLETELY dismissing any expectations my husband (or anyone) has of me that I feel I can not fulfill.

The woman I worked with during my healing session said something to me that really struck a chord. When I told her about my abandonment issues with my mother and how I wasn't really raised by any family figure person (at least not consistently enough to make much of an impact) and ended up in foster care. I told her that I felt like I was getting close to letting go of my expectations or desire for my mother to love me the way I felt I needed her to. She said "If she was in a wheelchair, would you expect her to walk? She is emotionally handicapped and simply can not be what you need or want her to be." WOW. That really hit home. I seriously finally feel free from that, I feel like it's OK to love her as is, and to be grateful for any amount of love that I receive from her. So, life has been pretty amazing and it's only getting better!

Last night I had no idea what I was making for dinner, but I decided while in the store to make lasagna. I came home and thought this might be a good opportunity to make a double batch since I have been wanting to experiment with making meals ahead of time since dinner seems to be like the black plague of my day. It's hard to be excited about cooking dinner EVERY night. I'm sure you all know where I'm coming from. Anyways, I did it! IT was really pretty easy - and though I haven't cooked up the frozen one yet, I'm sure it'll be wonderful.

One thing I've also been doing lately is cutting up all of my veggies and store them in the fridge so that it's one less step later. Plus, we are pretty big into making our own pizza's out of Naan Bread, so having diced up ingredients ready to go has been a wonderful tool.

The price of my meat at the supermarket went up, so I am now buying three pound packages of Organic Ground Beef from Costco for $12.99. It's a good deal - certainly better than what I was paying. Because of this I began thinking that it might be smart to just make a bunch of it up. Why not?

I love sausage on my pizza and knew I was using it for my lasagna's, so instead of combining all of the meat I cooked the sausage first and scooped some out into a separate container for pizza's this week.

Doing things like this gave me lots of good choices for pizza's! Now I can just go into the fridge and get out a couple of things that are ready to go and have a homemade pizza for myself done in 15 minutes.

So, I am not familiar with "make ahead" meals, and I've never really done it before. I basically just doubled the recipe for lasagna and then just made two of them. 

YUM! The cheese is my favorite part. I did actually add some spinach to this too, but did not take a picture of it. I LOVE hiding spinach in food. The kids eat it right up and I know they are getting essential nutrients that they otherwise wouldn't be getting. Especially in a recipe like lasagna where there isn't a lot of veggie going on.

Photo by Kiyra Jo. <3

And, WA-LA! TWO dinners for not much more time than it took me to put together one. Some night in the near future I am going to be REALLY happy I did this.

Finally I labeled it, set it out to cool (I like to freeze things after they become room temperature).

And, we enjoyed the other one....it was GOOD!

So, I basically just made two dinners, and multiple lunches with little effort. I think I might be addicted to this shortcut thing. I really do think this might be the key to my sanity, that's for sure. 

Happy Birthday, My Kiyra Girl!

Oh, I love my little girl. I of coarse love my two sons as well, but there is a special place reserved in my heart just for her. I remember when we found out we were having another child and how heartbroken she was. When we found out it was a boy she rejoiced when I told her this would mean she would forever be my baby girl. I love that she WANTS to be so badly. <3 January 18th is Kiyra's birthday. I'm actually NOT the best at putting together parties, but I did do this last minute and it went swimmingly. We had two different parties - one for her and her school friends and then another which was for Framily (friends who are family). This actually worked out really nicely. During Kiyra's school friend party we made some really fun chocolate bowls out of two things - Melted Chocolate (both semi-sweet and white) & balloons (blown up small)

I melted the chocolate in two pans - the one below this one holds water.

Once it was completely melted I let it sit for awhile so it wasn't piping hot.

Then each kid got to take their balloon and put the bottom into the bowl and roll it around until the bottom was coated with chocolate. I then put a spoonful of chocolate onto the wax paper on the table and then plopped the chocolate covered balloon on top of it.

After this the kids took off to play and I cut up the wax paper and placed all of them on baking sheets to go into the garage (where it was FREEZING - so they got to sit really well).

The cake also ended up being experimental. For some reason the cake was falling apart VERY easily and I simply could not frost it - so - taking a tip from Bakerella (where I also got the chocolate balloon idea) I instead dumped the cakes in a bowl and added some frosting. Then I ground it together like it was a meatloaf. Once the consistency was even I put it on my cake plate and basically molded it into a heart. After that I placed it in the fridge to set for a minute and then frosted the cake (or what was now a bit of a a brownie cake). It was a great save!

I even used the little bit of chocolate from the balloons to drizzle over the cake! YUM!

Before long it was time to open presents!

She is now the proud owner of a whole colony of My Littlest Pet Shop's. 

Finally the kids were ready to pop their balloons. Each was given a pin and they popped them easily. Taking out the balloons from the chocolate took a bit of finesse, but we did it. Some needed to go back into the freezer for a moment, though and this seemed to help a lot. 

I think the kids really dug it!

Time to blow out candles.....

and go CRAZY building their sundaes!!

I'm SURE they had fun with this one...

Overall it went really well....

and she is so lucky to have so many people who love her - and TWO cakes!

Thanks Frantie Sarah!

I love you, Kiyra. I hope your 9th year here is as awesome as you are!

Motivation And Goals And Resolutions, Oh My!

Ahhhh, the holidays. Are we all exhausted yet? I do hope that you all had a safe and happy holiday - however/whatever you celebrate.

As I type this I am rolling down the highway fully loaded with all three kids and a husband that stops for almost nothing. We're coming home from Florida where we stayed with grandma and great grandma. It was really nice to see the family we love, but, I am very much ready to come home.

Before I left I had grand intentions of taking a lot of time to reflect while in Florida. ...I don't know why I thought that I am going to go somewhere WITH my family and have the opportunity to do that when they are a lot of the reason I can't do much of that at home. So, needless to say, there was little "me" time on this trip. That's not to say that I didn't have room for reflection. I certainly did a lot of that. Admittedly, some of it may have been "OMG, why didn't I just stay home?!" kind of stuff, but not all of it.

I don't know how I feel about resolutions, I just think that New Years resolutions are so cliche which makes them that much easier to give up on. It's common knowledge that most people who make resolutions do not end up sticking to them, and I believe this fact alone can make it easier for people to give up... "it's no big deal".  But, goals are important. I like the prospect of what a New Year can bring. If you decide anything is a new beginning then it IS a new beginning, and new beginnings can be very powerful. Why not embrace the now and take it? This, in general, is really my GOAL for this year. Live life. Create and stop stopping myself from following my dreams.

 I am very much aware that we are each the only ones responsible for the change, or lack there of, in our lives. If you want to stop smoking (and you should because it's gross and only supports ridiculous corporations...not to mention almost every person I've ever known who smoked also bitched about being broke..) then STOP. Everything you tell yourself is an excuse, and yea, it might suck....but guess what? SOMETIMES LIFE SUCKS. Suck it up! Wanna be healthy? DO IT. Jesus...you would think that everyone is sitting around and waiting for someone to do it all for them. We're ALL guilty. My weakness? I have a hard time controlling my anger and I'm extremely impatient. The difference is I take responsibility for it and am always working toward change. Every day is a new opportunity to change something, and looking in from the big picture, I'm doing well. That's a big part of accomplishing our goals, too, I think. Giving credit where credit is due. I could beat myself up all day long about what I'm NOT doing better at, and go no where fast while I'm at it. OR - I can give myself credit for how far I've come while recognizing that I still have a ways to go. We've got to be proud of each and every step we've made towards change because each one is necessary in the journey towards transformation.

Anyways, all I'm saying is change is important, but most of all, it's POSSIBLE!! Start small and expand from there. It's like going green. If you really dig into the problems we have environmentally it can easily become overwhelming, leaving us with this hopeless feeling that we could never do enough. But, if we just break it down into something we can do, like eliminating plastic shopping bags and bottled water (EXCELLENT starting points - please consider doing both), our way of thinking changes with it. Pretty soon we are seeing all sorts of ways that we can make changes. And each of those changes DOES matter. I have been bringing my own bags to the grocery store consistently since 2005ish. It wasn't super popular at the time - almost NOBODY else was doing it as a matter of fact. At first it was really difficult to remember my bags (and I hear this excuse all the time), but I realized that I had to find a way to MAKE myself remember. So, I began either leaving my cart up front and running out to grab my bags, or I would have to put everything back into the cart after check out and bag at my car. Eventually I remembered. Now I look at these bags and I can not help but wish there was a way to tally up how many bags each of my reusables has saved. It's got to be thousands of bags by now. Thousands. I want you to imagine just for a minute what a thousand plastic shopping bags might look like...

So, you can see how a small change can make a big - and important difference. 

I also use filtered water from home - I am VERY MUCH against bottled water. Did you guys know about the trash island in the middle of the ocean?  We've really gotta get it together. 

But, I digress. This was less about the little things we could do to help the environment and more about what we could do to help ourselves (even though the two do go hand in hand). The principle is the same though. Dare to dream, decide what you want and then break it down into baby steps to accomplish it. Appreciate the journey and celebrate every accomplishment. Amaze yourself this year. I know you can!

Taking Stock On The Past And Notes For The Future. {Blog Hop}

I have been extremely inspired by the Artizen Coaching Website ever since the day I found it. It is a rich resource in not only inspiration, but strategy and organization for the creative mind. Her book "Right Brain Business Plan" is something that I am proud to say I have pre-ordered and am looking forward to the release of. 

The first little nugget in my e mail from Jennifer Lee, the Life Coach who is responsible for all of these wonderful sites and sources of inspiration, was about the end of the new year and questions to ask yourself.

• What was the most exciting, heart-stirring thing that happened in your life and/or business this year?

The biggest thing I can say that I accomplished this year was the Milk For Jayden milk drive. Because of that we filled the freezers of Jayden's family with donated, life saving breast milk - and it has also connected me with numerous people in the community. Including Laura, a woman who contacted me because she travels to the area where Jayden lives with her family and offered to run milk over there monthly. Because of that we can continue to supply this family with the milk they need to nourish these children. Not to mention I believe that Laura is a great person and a wonderful addition to my life both personally and professionally. 

• What was your biggest learning?

I have learned not to ever underestimate people's ability to turn on one another. To understand that I should not let my admiration of others turn into trust too quickly and to protect myself and my ideals from people who could do them harm. Not that I shouldn't let anyone in, just that I should be more selective and careful about it. I have to understand that I have a tendency to create family from the world around me because of my lack of a real family experience as a child. In many ways this is a really good thing, but it's also dangerous. I can't assume that because I value someone like family that they also value me in this way. Even if they are really family.  

• How did you stretch yourself?

I quit my job and allowed myself to take the experiences I have learned there and everywhere else I have been, the experiences of others around me and compiled them into an idea that is so big it kind of scares me. I am daring to dream BIG - and even though I have always been a dreamer, I have always wanted to keep it on a fairly small and manageable level as to not overwhelm or over work myself....plus, I'm admittedly kind of lazy. I tend to over imagine and exhaust myself instead of putting forth an effort to being productive about it. I've often said that I would be an amazing business owner if I didn't have to deal with ANY of the numbers or boring details. Just full creative control. This time my dreams have brought me to see such a need, such an amazing idea - which I can not believe hasn't been done before - I simply can not ignore it. This will be my life's work.

 I have this feeling in my gut that tells me that THIS is where everything I have ever been through has lead me, and that this is what I will be remembered for. It makes me want to throw up a little because it feels so real and so crazy big. If this succeeds it could change the lives of a lot of mothers, and what excites me about that is that I realize that this would change the world. When we facilitate the mother, help her take care of herself, to realize and pursue her goals or help ignite her spirit and creativity she will BE a better mother.

Part of why I became a doula was because I realized that helping a woman have a positive birthing experience could set the tone for the relationship she develops with her baby. If she is a better mother to that baby, the possibilities of that baby becoming a better person in the future are much greater. People who hurt are usually hurt people. If we could just take better care of the children, we would be taking better care of our futures. To take better care of the children, we have to facilitate who cares for them. We all know how difficult it can be as a mother to maintain any sense of identity beyond "mother" and that sometimes that can be the root of a lot of depression and even resentment. When we stop caring for ourselves, we stop wanting to care for others, too. I think I may have found an answer....

Now take a deeper look at 2010. Ask yourself the following questions to help spotlight your successes and uncover nuggets of learning:

• Look back at the goals you set out for 2010. Which ones were you most proud of accomplishing? Which goals were easier to meet than you thought? Which ones were more challenging? Why?

Well, I thought that I would be a certified doula by now. I found that it is incredibly awkward and difficult to get health care professions to take the time to fill out a 5 question survey. There was literally not ONE birth that I did FOR FREE that I was able to use because I did not get evaluation forms back from nurses, doctors and even midwives. I am not discouraged though. I was blessed enough to meet many doula's through the last year (give or take) who helped me understand it was less about the certification and more about the work (Thanks, Kriste). I am staying on my path with my head held high.

• How did you honor your values?

I knew when to call it quits and move forward for myself instead of for others. I continued to breastfeed and cloth diaper, which to me is the whole "being the example" thing. I have educated many people and I know that I have directly contributed to many women expanding their knowledge on these things. I have always wanted to have an impact on the world, and luckily enough, my eyes are open enough for me to see the ripple effect I have had. And it's good.

• What did you enjoy doing that you want to do more of?

I am planning on creating more product and getting my crafty fully back. I have been creating so much more and it feeds my spirit - my sheer perseverance to continue on in the path that I have chosen.

• What do you need to stop doing or let go of?

I need to stop being my own worst enemy. I can not allow my fear of failure - or my fear of pursuing money stop me in my tracks. I HATE asking for money but I realize this is going to have to become a huge part of my future if I want this to succeed. Luckily this isn't only for me....this is for every mother I have ever known who needed something that simply wasn't there. It will be easy to do it for them. This is where my passion lies.

I still have so much anger I have to let go of, too. I need to find another way to keep calm. Why do I always feel like I have to be on the defensive? This is another weakness.

• What new opportunities are available for 2011 and beyond?

Ooooohhh.....wouldn't you like to know?!? 

Number one, as soon as I get home from Florida I will have two goals. The first is to get my products in order. Make my labels for the cookies as well as putting together belly casting kits and herbal baths for postpartum mums. Once everything is set and ready I will begin to pursue stores and boutiques to carry my product(s). I will also be participating in blog giveaways everywhere. 

Number two will be setting this much bigger plan into motion by first finding a way to make sure that the idea is legally protected....and once it is - LOOK OUT! Cause I will be starting a revolution and expecting every one of you to be a part of it. 

• In the remaining weeks of the year, is there anything else you want to do to help you put a pretty bow on 2010?

We are going to Florida for the holiday, so actually, my goal right now is to take it easy! I want to go there and get my R+R so when I get back the real work can begin. I am eager to relax and see family, but I am also actually eager to get this new year rolling. This is going to be my year.

NOW - I want to know more about YOUR year. Tell me how it went and how you want next year to go and then leave us a link to your blog here so we can read it and follow each other! Let's start our New Year's united with goals of inspiring each other by expressing what inspires us to the world. 

Add a question of your own. Here's mine:

What is one thing that stands between you and your goals?

Childcare is always an issue for me. I know that I would have a much easier time if I had my days to actually get work done and be consistent in that work. At the same time I realize that Zander will be in school eventually like his brother and sister, and that I would not be doing what I am doing, or have the goals that I have if it were not FOR Zander. Having a baby has been a blessing. It's been wonderful to be a little older this time and to actually plan and enjoy the experience. SO much less stress involved now that I'm older and I have children that are also older who can help me. I have a fantastic community of framily (friends+family=framily) who I am incredibly grateful for. I know that with them and the little family and home I have created for myself I can take on anything....and even if I didn't succeed I would still be OK. 

I love all of you - without you it would all mean nothing and I wouldn't even want to.

{click to enlarge}

I know I couldn't get all of you in here - but don't for a moment doubt that you, too, are so important to my life.

Copy the questions below and answer them on your blog. Don't forget to also copy and paste the code for the Thumbnail Blog Roll below, too, so others can join in! Remember to subscribe and follow each other. This is all about uniting and sharing with one another and ultimately - the world!

• What was the most exciting, heart-stirring thing that happened in your life and/or business this year?
• What was your biggest learning?
• How did you stretch yourself?

Now take a deeper look at 2010. Ask yourself the following questions to help spotlight your successes and uncover nuggets of learning:

• Look back at the goals you set out for 2010. Which ones were you most proud of accomplishing? Which goals were easier to meet than you thought? Which ones were more challenging? Why?
• How did you honor your values?
• What did you enjoy doing that you want to do more of?
• What do you need to stop doing or let go of?
• What new opportunities are available for 2011 and beyond?
• In the remaining weeks of the year, is there anything else you want to do to help you put a pretty bow on 2010?
• MY QUESTION - What is one thing that stands between you and your goals?

Below - Submit a thumbnail image and a link to your blog/website. Copy the code available and post it on your blog post.

{Copy The Code Below and Paste on YOUR New Years Blog Hop blog post!}

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Dare To Dream {Board}

There is so much I want to tell all of you. I have major plans for my future and have hinted in previous posts that I am feeling extra powerful and inspired to move forward with them. I decided to do a dream/inspiration board so that I could help myself visualize my dreams, goals and motivations. I cut out a whole lot of images for the board and let it create itself. What enfolded was a picture of myself and the things I've experienced and how I use these experiences to fuel my desire to succeed.

This obviously represents my childhood and how the constant desire for my mother to love me has effected my spirit...and how desperately I still want to be fully free from it. It is also a reminder that I am who I am because of everything I have experienced. Good or bad.

When I met Shawn it changed everything. I was really young, already had a child and was doing a lot of drugs and running around at the time. It really wasn't his scene and there was something deep down inside me that couldn't leave him alone. It seemed at the time that he was the enemy because he wanted me to stop doing some of the things I was doing and stop hanging out with some of the people I was hanging out with...but in reality - he was my super hero. Because his standards of me were high, my standards for myself became higher, too.

I was always a dreamer. Even when I was hurting or being hurt, I was also dreaming of better things for myself and my future. When I was a teenager I realized that I was in control and that I could have anything I wanted. I just had to dream it and do it. I'm finally taking that advice.

I added this card/envelope to stick pictures or whatever in. 

This is the board in it's entirety. 

Overall the experience was exactly what I needed it to be. It was affirming to me that I do know who I am and what I want...and that all of the potential I ever need is already within me. I had a few epiphanies while making it - one which I can't wait to share with all of you, but I can't until I'm sure that my idea's are legally protected. Apparently you can never be too safe.