It's Sunday. The last day before starting my new way of living...and frankly, I feel like shit. I'm about to start my period, my kids are getting on my nerves, my friends don't like me very much right now and I simply feel like a dead battery. I've been changing so much, taking in SO much information and truly forming my plan of action for the future. Ever since the new year it's felt like a roller coaster of extreme ups and hard downs and I'm seeking some stability. I need to know where all of this change and self evolution leaves me now. What does my life look like now that I'm evolving into someone else?
Over the new year, I made a lot of goals for myself. I have been wanting to grow my business and follow my vision/dream of opening a community center here in Grand Rapids. Ever since I have gotten clear on this everything else in my life seems to have become unclear. My relationships with those around me are changing (some for the better, some for the worse), my relationship with myself is changing (definitely for the better), and my outlook on the world and even the Universe is changing. What isn't changing is some of my tendencies which are the things that I truly hate about myself the most.
This post is about to get painfully honest.
I have known that I wanted to change my diet, my lack of exercise and approach to self care for some time. I've been instinctively doing it to a degree for years. I don't really eat fast food, and I eat mostly organic, but I still drink too much coffee and I eat WAY too much sugar and baked goods. I can feel the negative effects this has on my body and even on my moods - especially when I don't get enough sleep. I have a tendency to completely loose control of myself if I have more than 2 cups of coffee in a day and am operating on a lack of sleep (which is 8 hours or less - I've realized I require more sleep than the average recommendation). I simply can not control my emotions and literally the tiniest of things can push me over the edge.
When I decided to commit to blogging/recording this journey I am about to take, I wasn't sure how honest I wanted to be. There is certainly stuff that I wouldn't just go around telling people about myself - but - I've committed to telling the whole story because without the whole story I am selling myself and my readers short. So, as you read this and find yourself appalled at some of the things I'm admitting to, please remember that I am not proud. I don't like it either.
When I found out about XanGo, I started talking to people in my life who have had personal experiences with it. I was taken aback at how willing they were to give detailed information about such personal issues...but mostly I was impacted on how these people's lives were effected immensely by this botanical. I did a lot of research on the products, talked to even more people before committing myself to sign up and try the products for 30 days. What convinced me wasn't the amazing structure of the business or how this could be an "opportunity" for me, what convinced me was the thought that I might FINALLY be able to balance my hormones, overcome my Bi-Polar disorder, be freer from pain from arthritis in my knees that I have known since childhood, the pain in my back from slipped discs and mild scoliosis, the migraines, the TMJ as well as my Endometriosis AND anemia. All of this paints a picture of a whole body that is always either in pain or completely fatigued.
On top of all of this I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar/Manic Depression as a teenager. I don't agree or disagree with this diagnoses, but I will absolutely admit that I have really high highs and really low lows. I often react to daily life and responsibilities with anger and intense aggression. Hurtful things fly out of my mouth towards people I care about (like my husband and kids) before I even know what I am saying, and I do have violent tendencies. This used to be much worse. Through my teens and early twenties I spent a lot of time fighting, dealing with cops and being locked up because I simply couldn't control my behavior - and frankly, at that age, I didn't want to. It wasn't until I started getting older and understood that I was really hurting myself and the people that I loved the most when I began to desire to get better. I have tried medications, but never liked the dependency or the feelings they gave me. So, I quit and began holistic approaches to my disorder - this was 9 or 10 years ago now. I remain an unmedicated adult (although I would definitely say that I self medicate) who tries to get through each day without completely loosing it and doing damage that can't be undone. I find myself just trying to get through each day...and when that is the focus, it becomes really hard to truly get anything else done. The result is me feeling like I'm spinning my wheels and never actually accomplishing anything, or the things I am accomplishing are happening at a much slower rate than they would be if I did not have this imbalance controlling my life. This feeds into the anger. It's a very vicious cycle.
As someone who sees herself as spiritually open, loving, caring and strong, this is not something that I like about my situation at all. My behavior is so contradicting to my own beliefs or my own vision of who I strive to be. It does nothing good for me and I want desperately to not be like this anymore. I HATE that this has so much control over my every day life. I want that control - scratch that - I NEED that control back if I'm ever going to be the mother, the wife, the friend and the business owner I want to be.
So, there have it. Today is the last day before I start the Mangosteen Juice, The Eleviv and the supplements from XanGo. On top of this I will be doing Yoga twice a week, meditating 5 times a week, drinking more water than I EVER have before and enjoying a healthier diet (which is really just cutting out the sugars and the coffee and adding more fresh fruits and veggies). I am hoping to blog daily about this and to be as completely honest as I can possibly be so that I will be able to get the full picture on how I felt that this effected my life or didn't.
Today I mentally feel: Angry/Agitated - Totally "on guard" and ready for a fight. I also feel sluggish and cloudy.
Today I physically feel: Crampy, Tired, Lethargic, my back is sore and my jaw is very tense. Could be getting a headache, there is some tension building in the back of my head/neck/shoulders area.