Victim, Slut, Mother, Healer. Understanding The Cycles of Abuse And How They Effect Us All.

Today I got into it with my brother. The topic started with male birth control when he stated that "it shouldn't be the mans responsibility to take care of that." My response was that there were some men who knew they did not want children and it is their right to take that into their own hands. This went into a discussion about promiscuity and how it is "natural" for a man to simply want to spread his seed - and therefore it is his right to do so. His logic: They are the ones spreading their legs. "They" use sex as a tool and for power, so he has a right to follow through and be the dick that fucks them......and if she gets pregnant - that's HER fault.

Before you form your opinions about this, let me give you a little history. My mother was and still is never there for him or I - he was the only one of the two of us, however, who had another parent to take care of him. He was raised by his father from early childhood on and I was raised by everyone. Passed around to different family members until ultimately ending up in foster care at 12. I became quite sexually promiscuous at around that same age. I had survived rape and numerous counts of molestation and made the choice to loose my virginity to someone I would never see again because I didn't want to know them and wanted absolutely no chance for attachment. Love and sex had nothing to do with each other, and sex was easy - "love" was the fantasy. Thus began the cycle of my own sexual abuse.

I allowed many people, men, boys, girls, women into my most sacred of space, and for many reasons. I believed I was taking the power of my pussy back. By giving it away I got a false sense of fulfillment. It made me feel important to someone -wanted- even if for a moment. On top of that, it was thrilling! My hormones were going insane and I wanted it all the time....and it wasn't hard at all to find people who were willing. This went on for years until I ended up pregnant at 16 years old for my now almost 15 year old son. That relationship and whole situation was Lifetime Movie worthy. Seriously. Long story short, we did NOT end up happily ever after and I was a single mother at 17. I gave birth to my son practically alone. Then he, along with everyone else in my life who was ever supposed to love me, refused me, too. He would not breastfeed. I had never truly seen a steady example of how relationships should work, how to be a parent or care for a home. This was my shot of doing it "my way" and I failed at the most basic of things before even leaving the hospital (no thanks to the nurse who gave him a bottle before letting me try to nurse him).

During my pregnancy for him I began to realize that the people I was attracting into my life were only attracted to me because I am an easy target. They wanted me because I wanted to be wanted and I didn't really want an emotional attachment (although, I sometimes secretly longed for it). Even though I was beginning to realize that what I was doing was actually self abuse, it had become a strong habit and coping mechanism in my life. It was pretty difficult to stop, and, honestly - I had no idea how to. Now I had a child and I didn't want to do it alone. I was suffering from pretty bad Postpartum Depression, but no one ever really asked me about that or pointed out that I may need help for it - so I didn't figure out that was what was going on until about 7 years later. I partied really hard for a year after he was born. Trying to understand. Trying to numb the pain. Why didn't my mom want me - and now I'm a mom and I don't want to be home either....am I her? What am I going to DO?! I need to find a good man....

This pattern isn't only mine. It's a LOT of women. We can joke that strippers and porn stars have "daddy issues", but we don't seem to be making these fathers the butt of the joke. Why are there so many women out there who are willing to "give it up" in exchange for power or what we perceive as love? And - why is it that the biggest majority of these women come from broken homes? Molestation? LACK OF A FATHER? Do we really not see the pattern here?

Now, I am all for personal responsibility. I am the person that I am because I have always been good at seeing things as they are while also being curious about how they got that way and how we can change it. I knew that the healing had to start within me. My first good lesson from my mother and father was that you can't count on either of them - I was on my own. And, we all essentially are. I saw that yes, the root of a lot of my issues had to do with the fact that I did not have a healthy and happy mother or father in my life to show me what love is, how to be in a relationship, how to parent, how to LIVE - that was all true - BUT - what I do with that is mine. I recognized that things were moving in cycles and patterns. My mother is an alcoholic who is self destructive and is capable of abandoning her children because she is still angry that her father was a self-destructive, abusive alcoholic who abandoned his children. Hmmmmm......are you seeing what I'm seeing?

Once the pattern was clear and I started to learn to take responsibility for my own actions and situation I began healing - and I'm still healing. I knew that I was on a fast track towards becoming my own version of my mother and I couldn't let that happen, not only for myself, but for my children. I think I was about 5 years into my relationship with my now husband when this really took hold. There were many struggles along the way - breaking GENERATIONAL patterns, especially without much help, isn't easy. Luckily I did find a good man and he stuck it out with me - but I can't imagine it was easy. There was a lot of really REALLY crazy shit that went on in those first 5 years.

Through my healing journey, through my entire life, one thing has been clear. Hurt people hurt people. I saw the people who were hurting others as children who did not receive the love and nurturing they deserved. As I attended births and began the "birth journey" I am on now I held a deep hope for the worlds parents and children. I see so much potential behind the idea that we could consciously create children out of the love that not only their parents share for each other - but for them, this little person that they haven't even met yet. How could that not contribute to peace and true change in our world?  This is not to say that a child can not be raised by one parent, or that us kids who didn't have any of that can't find that "good way of living". But, we have to admit - it IS a lot harder than it has to, or should be .....and I don't know anyone who wouldn't like to be wanted.

The idea that there are guys out there simply "filling the void" for women who are willing to give it up and  holding them solely responsible for whether or not a child results from it makes me feel completely ill and sad for all parties involved, but mostly the children. I was one of those women. The fact that anyone may have ever seen me that way makes me feel sick on so many levels. My entire career is based on the idea that providing the very best start to a childs life and a mother and fathers journey into parenthood could result in healthier more balanced individuals and families. True peace starts at home, so to me this means we need to strengthen the family unit and teach people how to love themselves and each other.

Then it will ripple out....


BEadECLECTIC said...

Bi-polar disorder explains a lot,too. I was never abused and have an amazing family but the effects of bi-polar ripped me apart and it wasn't until a year or so ago after an. "updated" diagnosis that I did the research and better understood who I was, and why. I think true healing can only begin once we address the root issues, issues that can take decades to even find, and I'm so glad I have you in my life to keep learning and keep the good times be amazing times.

Anonymous said...

thank you! our paths are so similiar and i am happy to say i am healing also :) i am grateful for you!

Mama K said...

I love that you are healing, growing, and that you are willing to share your story! You have put into words things that I know in my gut, but hadn't really found words for yet.