3.04.2011

Day Three: Overwhelmed.

When I started this I expected to have huge stocks of energy that I didn't know what to do with - kind of like what Cassie IS experiencing on this Mangosteen journey. Instead I feel like I'm dosed up on cough syrup all the time!! Going to sleep wasn't as difficult last night, I could actually barely keep my eyes open by 10:00. Waking up on the other hand proves much more difficult. I want to stay in bed forever.

Yesterday was another intense day. As a matter of fact, the past three days have been some of the busiest I've had in a very long time. A LOT of information to absorb over the next couple of weeks. On top of the meetings from the last two days we also had a lunch date with Leah (our business coach) to go over what we are doing and really get everything organized. It was a huge help, but it also comes with a whole lot of other knowledge and information that I need to take in. I was feeling super crabby and overwhelmed the whole time too, so it felt really difficult to stay in the conversation. On top of this I was baking cookies for a raffle donation for a documentary screening that was going on that night, so I was distracted.

I just haven't been "with it" or felt like myself. It's almost like I am having to show my truest colors to everyone all the time. There is no happy face to put over me - and it's not like I used to just put on a smile, more like, when I left my house and was doing something I loved to do it made me genuinely happy. Often though, as soon as I drive up my driveway to go home a switch would flip and I turn into a bitch monster. I just didn't want to go in there and be mom. I know that sounds terrible, but, I really just fight my role as mother pretty often because I feel so imprisoned by it. I shouldn't, I know, and it's probably why I am so passionate about revolutionizing a way around it for myself and other mothers of my community. It's not that I don't love my kids and want to be a great mom for them, it's more like I don't want that to be the definition of me. The town I live in is chock full of "mommies". They live and breath for their children and their husband and I can't help but wonder what is going to happen to them when their children grow up and don't need them anymore and their husbands can't get a boner, either. I've met a lot of women who are at that stage in their lives and they are setting out on the journey I am now embarking on. It's like, now they are allowed to address their own passions for life. I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT WOMAN. Not that there is anything wrong with this timeline, I just refuse to accept that I can't have it all NOW. When I'm dreaming it. When I want it the most.

So, I've been conflicted and feeling tugged in a lot of different directions right now. I know it's all good though. Inner answers will come from this and that is clarity. And, clarity is everything.

Diet:
Breakfast - two organic eggs cooked in coconut oil and some whole wheat and honey toast.
Lunch - We juiced Beets, Carrots, Apples and Oranges and snacked on Carrots & Hummus.
Dinner - Homemade Pesto Pasta and Toast
Dessert! - Naturally Sweetened Healthy Brownies and Coconut Ice Cream (YUM!!)
90 Ounces of Water
3 ounces of Mangosteen Juice

Mentally I am feeling:
Strained. Low on energy overall. Totally bitchy and unmotivated. Though, I will say, I spent a lot of time free playing with Zander and it came very naturally to me and him

Physically I am feeling:
Really run down & fatigued. My back is sore, my jaw has been hurting and my legs are tight. I am also experiencing some acne. My headache did start to return again in the evening, which is why I took the 2 extra shots of the mangosteen juice  as that does seem to keep it at bay, but doesn't kill it completely. Still, this is not the suggested dose to stop a migraine. For that it says "To eliminate or abbreviate the duration of migraine headaches, take six to eight ounces at the onset of symptoms.".....so maybe if it comes back tonight I will try that just to see if it makes a difference.

4 comments:

cellar door said...

My legs are really tight too, I'm almost getting a Charley horse all the time in my calf! I'm eating bananas to get some potassium cause I heard that helps.
Those brownies were really good weren't they?!

Shawna said...

I appreciate your honesty and candor it's not easy being a mom - and it's eve harder to admit how hard it can be at times. Thank you for your courage to share your journey with the world.

AiramanaHeirlooms said...

I feel ya. Some days it does feel very imprisoning. My biggest chafe is how dependent Ana and I are on expensive gasoline and sharing the one vehicle with Daddy. I have all the time in the world, and generally don't mind having Ana always with me, but it's the getting to places that chaps.

Juliea said...

WORD UP. I can't wait for Summer so the house itself doesn't feel so imprisoning!!